Reincarnated As A Mother

Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Ugliness in the Future

I've hesitated writing about this because the last thing I want to 
do is come across as a whiner.
Lately everyone has been congratulating us on
Kean's upcoming end to Chemo.
Yes, I'm excited and relieved to be able to stop
putting nightly "poison" in his body and to see what
he is like when he feels well.
But, it really isn't the end as much as I wish it was.
In reality, Kean isn't done with treatment, he's just done with this phase.
And unfortunately, we won't be done with the fear.
Kean's Oncologists have told me that many parents have
a rougher time once the treatment is over rather than during.
That sound crazy, right?
But I can tell you most parents (including this one) are in complete and utter survival
mode-- with every drop of energy focused on getting your child better
(and keeping your other children from being too scarred).
I hear it is when the treatment has ended, when the constant stress has quieted
that the horrors of cancer and the toll it has taken on your family's life
thoroughly sink in.
I've been warned.
And honestly I thought I was strong and the exception-- that I'd just
be relieved and ready to start living again.
This weekend, I realized that likely is not the case.
Friday afternoon, I was upstairs working on bills, Kean
was happily playing on his toy riding motorcycle.
The next thing I know, he's sitting by the door to his room screaming in pain
and holding his right foot.
As hard as I looked, I couldn't see any marks, redness or swelling.
He didn't fall or stumble.
I just know he wouldn't put any weight on his feet-- all last night and all today.
He's reverted back to crawling.
It would be an understatement to say I didn't freak out.
If you remember the way we found out Kean had cancer over three years ago,
was following a low grade fever for a week that wouldn't go away, he started having
pain in his right arm and then it swelled up.
The doctors' in the E.R. thought he had a fracture that wasn't showing up in the X-rays.
So this new foot injury has brought all of that fear and trauma back full force.
I've decided I must suffer from a form of PTSD.
And I now realize that every fever, bruise, rash, pain in Kean's future
will likely send me into overdrive.
Are his platelets too low or is that rash a reaction to something he ate?
 Is the pain in his leg a growing pain or a tumor?
Does that fever mean he's having a relapse?
Is the cancer back?
Life will never be simple again and that sure makes me angry.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful, oh so grateful to be 8 days out from the end.
I can't wait to take Kean into a grocery store, to church, for him to start Kindergarten.
I just hope you all will be patient with me in the future-
if like today, I over-react  to things, get a little weepy
or need to spend an afternoon curled up in a ball!
As much as we'd like to put it behind us, I guess cancer will be
part of our lives forever.
p.s.  he put a little weight on his foot right before bed tonight.  So things are looking up.


Terra Lorien said...

Is there honestly such a thing as an "over reaction" after everything you and your family have been through? I say cry, be angry, be afraid, and feel everything you need to feel….then come back to your faith and what you know to be true. I think allowing ourselves to be human is a very empowering thing. I also think your blog is a wonderful format. It's something I love about blogging…moms being able to share the "real" with other moms and know that they're not alone. Prayers for you and your sweet family as you move forward. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Terra Lorien said...

Hi Lonni…thanks for your message! I just left a reply on the same google page and I hope you'll be able to see it:)