The Ugliness in the Future

I've hesitated writing about this because the last thing I want to 

do is come across as a whiner.

Lately everyone has been congratulating us on

Kean's upcoming end to Chemo.

Yes, I'm excited and relieved to be able to stop

putting nightly "poison" in his body and to see what

he is like when he feels well.

But, it really isn't the end as much as I wish it was.

In reality, Kean isn't done with treatment, he's just done with this phase.

And unfortunately, we won't be done with the fear.

Kean's Oncologists have told me that many parents have

a rougher time once the treatment is over rather than during.

That sound crazy, right?

But I can tell you most parents (including this one) are in complete and utter survival

mode-- with every drop of energy focused on getting your child better

(and keeping your other children from being too scarred).

I hear it is when the treatment has ended, when the constant stress has quieted

that the horrors of cancer and the toll it has taken on your family's life

thoroughly sink in.

I've been warned.

And honestly I thought I was strong and the exception-- that I'd just

be relieved and ready to start living again.

This weekend, I realized that likely is not the case.

Friday afternoon, I was upstairs working on bills, Kean

was happily playing on his toy riding motorcycle.

The next thing I know, he's sitting by the door to his room screaming in pain

and holding his right foot.

As hard as I looked, I couldn't see any marks, redness or swelling.

He didn't fall or stumble.

I just know he wouldn't put any weight on his feet-- all last night and all today.

He's reverted back to crawling.

It would be an understatement to say I didn't freak out.

If you remember the way we found out Kean had cancer over three years ago,

was following a low grade fever for a week that wouldn't go away, he started having

pain in his right arm and then it swelled up.

The doctors' in the E.R. thought he had a fracture that wasn't showing up in the X-rays.

So this new foot injury has brought all of that fear and trauma back full force.

I've decided I must suffer from a form of PTSD.

And I now realize that every fever, bruise, rash, pain in Kean's future

will likely send me into overdrive.

Are his platelets too low or is that rash a reaction to something he ate?

 Is the pain in his leg a growing pain or a tumor?

Does that fever mean he's having a relapse?

Is the cancer back?

Life will never be simple again and that sure makes me angry.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful, oh so grateful to be 8 days out from the end.

I can't wait to take Kean into a grocery store, to church, for him to start Kindergarten.

I just hope you all will be patient with me in the future-

if like today, I over-react  to things, get a little weepy

or need to spend an afternoon curled up in a ball!

As much as we'd like to put it behind us, I guess cancer will be

part of our lives forever.

Dang.

p.s.  he put a little weight on his foot right before bed tonight.  So things are looking up.